


to save a life I didn't have

by mad_magic



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Frantic Kiss, Hallucinations, Josephine Lightbourne Possessing Clarke Griffin, Speculation, The Anomaly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 09:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19438732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mad_magic/pseuds/mad_magic
Summary: For a moment, a fractured part of Bellamy’s soul is slotted back into place. He’s whole again.And then reality shatters his joy. Bellamy steps back, shaking his head to himself. “Clarke, how are you here?”Her mouth curves in a small smile at him. He feels a trace of warmth for that smile. Clarke cups her hand against his cheek. “Bellamy, you need to let me go.”He stares at her. “What?”...Post 6.08 Speculation. Bellamy drags Josephine through the woods in search of Gabriel. He is confronted by a manifestation of his darkest fear and deepest desire, Clarke Griffin.





	to save a life I didn't have

**Author's Note:**

> No new episode, so it looks like we have to feed ourselves this week, lads. For my bingo card, I got angst, hallucinations and a frantic kiss, which seemed like the perfect excuse to write this ;-) 
> 
> This is spec for 6.09, though I doubt any of this will happen. **Note:** Becho is broken up in this fic, just fyi. 
> 
> Bon appetit!

* * *

She has finally stopped fighting him. They’ve lapsed into silence for the trek, lasting about an hour now. Bellamy can’t shake the feeling he’s being led into a trap. Maybe it’s paranoia or a self-preservation instinct that has kept him alive this far.

Bellamy just doesn’t trust Josephine. The psychopath wearing his best friend’s face. He keeps his eyes pinned on the back of her blonde head, not letting her out of his line of sight.

His leg is killing him, throbbing with every step. His back aches as well from the mile he spent with Josephine thrown over his shoulder, kicking and squirming like a petulant child. Josephine drags her feet in front of him, her silence another sign of her body’s— _Clarke’s_ body’s—exhaustion.

He can’t stop, can’t let either of them rest. The clock ticks down in the back of his head like a bomb set to detonate. There is only so much time to save Clarke. Bellamy can think of nothing else. Not resting, not food, not water. There is still a chance to bring her back. Bellamy can’t lose her again.

And it’s that urgency that pushes his body forward, running on fumes.

“Do you even know where we’re going?” Josephine whines in that high-pitch imitation of Clarke’s voice. “I swear; we’ve passed that rock formation like four times.”

“Be quiet,” Bellamy snaps, not for the first or second time during their journey. He can’t listen to any more of her bitching. His patience is already stretched too thin.

“We’re lost,” she crows, infuriatingly smug. “You might as well give up, Bellamy. My dad _might_ let you live if you bring me back before I starve to death.”

She has cycled through anger and sullen silence. Now Josephine is trying to bargain with him. But he won’t be fooled by it. All she cares about is saving her own skin. Skin that doesn’t even _belong_ to her.

Every time Bellamy remembers what the Primes have done, the rage resurfaces. They are sick monsters, reminiscent of the Mountain Men. A greedy, selfish people that consider themselves gods—above the rules of humanity. Bellamy has to swallow back the fire that crackles in his lungs. He wants to watch them all _burn_.

When Bellamy doesn’t say a word, his jaw tightly clenched, Josephine turns her head to look at him with Clarke’s clear blue eyes. “You know this isn’t what Clarke wants. She was trying to go peacefully. You’re going against her last wishes, Bellamy.”

 _Stop saying my name!_ He wants to scream.It’s wrong in this girl’s voice. The letters falling carelessly off her tongue hold none of the history between him and Clarke. The emotion Clarke conveyed by just saying his name. All of it is missing.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bellamy mutters through his teeth, focusing on the forest behind her. “Clarke wants to live.”

“ _Does_ she?” Josephine asks skeptically. “Then why did she make a deal with me to die quietly in exchange for your people to have peace?”

His eyes snap to hers before he can stop himself. Josephine smirks, knowing she has him hooked. It doesn’t matter if it sounds like something Clarke would do. Josephine is stalling, toying with him. She will say anything to make him give up.

“You’re lying,” he scoffs. Bellamy nudges her forward with his boot. “Walk.”

She turns around, resuming her reluctant pace. Josephine continues as if he hadn’t spoken. “And yet here you are: endangering her daughter’s life. Again.”

Bellamy stumbles over a tree root. He barely hears Josephine’s snicker. No. There’s no way she could possibly know—

“Like when you put that AI chip in Madi’s head,” Josephine adds tauntingly. She shoots him another glance over her shoulder, wearing the smirk that makes his blood roar. “That was cold. I’m a little impressed.”

Bellamy’s mind whirls a step behind her. She has Clarke’s memories. How? Something does not add up. Why wouldn’t Josephine use Trig before to fool him if she knew how? Does she only have access to the memories that _Clarke_ shows her?

He grits his teeth, fighting back against the wave of guilt that crests inside him. He hates the thought of Clarke reliving that day in the bunker, let alone showing it to Josephine. Why would she do that? As a way to _punish_ him?

No. He shakes the idea away. No matter how angry she is, Clarke wouldn't do that. She'd never let Josephine weaponize a memory to use against him. Against herself. Especially such a painful, raw memory between them. He doesn’t know how Josephine found out about the Flame, but it doesn’t matter now. He can’t afford to be distracted.

Bellamy pushes at her back, harder this time. “Keep moving.”

“So forceful,” she notes. Her words become slick with suggestion. “I bet you have a firm backhand.”

He ignores that, sighing internally. Looks like the hour of silence is up and it’s back to mind games.

“I’m totally getting that vibe from you, Bellamy. The strong, silent type. You sure were eager to throw Clarke against the wall. I’d let you bend me over right here—”

Josephine cuts herself off with a gasp. She comes to an abrupt halt, locking in place. Bellamy jerks on the chain that’s attached to the handcuffs, but she doesn’t budge. He steps around her to find out what the problem is.

She’s staring ahead in wordless horror. Her expression chills him. Bellamy doubts she can see him anymore.

He searches the forest around them. His hand flies to his side only to remember he doesn’t have a weapon on him. Bellamy notices the bright green hue cast over them, tinging everything. He can’t see where the light originates from, but their perimeter looks clear.

Bellamy swears under his breath. What the hell is that? There is so much about his alien moon that they know nothing about.

“What?” He growls at her, yanking on the chain again. “What is it?”

Tears fill Josephine’s eyes. Her bottom lip trembles and for one glorious moment, Bellamy thinks it’s actually Clarke. She’s breaking through. He can talk to her.

“Daddy,” she chokes in Josephine’s voice. Bellamy’s hope deflates. “Please don’t!”

Bellamy scowls. “Nice try. I’m not falling for this shit, Josephine. Let’s go!”

He tries to prod her forward again, but it’s like she’s become dead weight. Josephine falls onto her knees, tears streaming down her face. She looks horrified like she is trapped in her own nightmare.

Bellamy is about to pick her up and toss her over his shoulder when someone steps out from between the trees. He startles, certain there was no one standing there a moment before. He expects one of the Children of Gabriel to be ambushing them, out for the Primes’ blood.

But no. His eyes widen. It’s Clarke that walks slowly toward him, mirroring his shock. Bellamy can tell it isn’t an imitation or an imposter wearing her face. Clarke’s familiar blue eyes look up at him, blinking slowly.

“Bellamy?” She whispers.

His pulse skips. Wonder replaces his shock. It’s _her_. Her voice. Her lips that tremble with emotion.

Bellamy can’t stop himself, rushing forward to embrace her. Tears dampen his eyes as he holds her smaller frame against him, his face burying in her hair. She smells the same, feels the same in his arms. For a moment, a fractured part of Bellamy’s soul is slotted back into place. He’s whole again.

And then reality shatters his joy. Bellamy steps back, shaking his head to himself. “Clarke, how are you here?”

Her mouth curves in a small smile at him. He feels a trace of warmth for that smile. Clarke cups her hand against his cheek. “Bellamy, you need to let me go.”

He stares at her. “ _What_?”

She nods her head, gesturing behind him where Josephine is kneeled on the floor. Still caught up in something he can’t see. A heavy weight returns to his chest, crushing his heart. Clarke is still in there. Whoever is in front of him isn’t real.

He must be dehydrated. He’s hallucinating her. It wouldn’t be the first time. Bellamy clutches at her arms anyway. She _feels_ real. “I’m going to bring you back,” he swears to her. “I promise.”

“I know you _would_ ,” Clarke says softly, sadly. “But I don’t want you to. Let me go.”

He shakes his head. What she’s saying is impossible, illogical. “No. I got your message, Clarke. I know you’re still there. We’ll get Josephine’s chip out, give you your body back.”

Clarke’s hand drifts down from his cheek to his chest, pressing there. “You’re listening to your heart. What about your _head_ , Bellamy?”

“This is about _both_ ,” Bellamy insists. “What they did to you is wrong. You didn’t ask for it. I’m going to fix it, Clarke.”

“I don’t want that,” she says, with more conviction carried in her voice. A spark lights up her blue eyes. “I want you to live. And Madi and my mom. All of our friends. What Josephine told you is the truth. I asked for you all to live in peace.”

“Then why did you tap out _alive_ in Morse Code?” Bellamy demands. “Why, if you didn’t want me to save you?”

Clarke’s lips flatten with disapproval. “I thought you’d have a plan to save me and stop the Primes. Not escaping into the woods alone. Not leaving our family behind in Sanctum! What about _Madi_ , Bellamy? You said you’d protect her!”

“The others will keep her safe,” he retorts, speaking with an assurance that he doesn’t even have. He can’t stand to have her eyes look at him like that again. The betrayal, the hurt. “I had to save you!”

“What if I don’t want you to?” Clarke demands, stepping away from him. He feels the cold absence of her body heat. Her eyes narrow in a challenging glare. “What if I want you to go back and make a deal for peace with Sanctum? What then?”

Bellamy’s mouth opens and closes helplessly. “I can’t,” he rasps.

“You _can’t_ ,” Clarke repeats. His stomach twists as disappointment shows on her face. “I thought you were a better man than that, Bellamy. How is this doing better?”

“I don’t know,” he admits, rummaging his fingers through his hair. “Maybe it isn’t. But I can’t lose you again, Clarke.”

“Why not?” The words are barely above a whisper. “You survived it before.”

Bellamy swallows harshly, nearly drowning in the ocean of grief and despair inside him. He doesn't want to go back to this place, how he felt sitting by the lake in Sanctum, mourning her _alone_. But he’s suddenly there again. “I survived it,” he agrees. “But I didn’t _live_. I didn’t feel like I was alive again until I found you on the Ground, Clarke.”

Tears break free from her eyes and drip down her pale cheeks. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that before?”

“I should have,” Bellamy admits hoarsely. Tears blur his own eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Clarke steps closer, but he can’t feel her warmth this time. “Tell me now. Before it’s too late. Tell me you love me, Bellamy.”

Bellamy grabs onto her arms as if he can keep her there. It already feels like she’s disappearing in front of his eyes. “No. It’s not too late. I won’t let you die.”

She’s fading. The color is slowly leaching out of her. There is just a green glow surrounding her body. She feels frail under his hands. Desperation pounds in his chest. He can’t lose her, can’t watch wither away.

Bellamy pulls her into his body, wrapping his arms around her back. He kisses her frantically, desperately. Begging her with his mouth to not leave him again. The words play in his head and Bellamy is unsure if he’s saying them out loud as well, murmuring against Clarke’s soft lips.

_Don’t leave me again. Don’t leave me. Please._

“BELLAMY!”

His eyes open. The space in front of him is empty. Several feet ahead is a chaotic mass of green light, undulating like flames. The radiance is nearly blinding. Bellamy stares into the glow and that’s when he sees Clarke being swallowed by the flames.

“No!” He roars and takes off running after her.

Something crashes into him, stopping his momentum. He feels hands pulling at him, trying to hold him in place.

“Let me go!” Bellamy yells, thrashing. “I have to go after her! She’s gonna _burn_.”

A voice speaks into his ear. “I can’t let you do that, big brother.”

 _Octavia_.

Bellamy’s head snaps away from the light. His sister is next to him, clinging onto his waist with all of her strength, her feet planted in the ground. Her expression is sad but firm. She’s not letting go of him.

“O?” He gasps. “What—what’s happening?”

“It’s the anomaly,” she explains. “You hallucinate when you get too close. It’s just a hallucination, Bell. It’s not real.”

He’s coming back to himself in pieces. His body is shaking uncontrollably. There are wet tears on his face. Clarke. He saw her going into the flames. He was so sure she was burning, trapped in Praimfaya all over again.

Bellamy glances around. Clarke—no, Josephine is there, muddy but standing, still attached to him. She seems lucid again, if shell-shocked and pale. An unfamiliar man stands near her, tall with dark skin outlined in green and cropped black hair.

Octavia loosens her tight grip on him, only laying a hand on his arm. “What are you doing outside the radiation shield?”

“Looking for Gabriel,” he says.

The man nods at him, his brown eyes solemn. “Well, you’ve found him.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This one was fun :-) 
> 
> Title is from In The Woods Somewhere by Hozier 
> 
> Follow my [tumblr](http://www.kombellarke.tumblr.com) <3


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